Monday, November 06, 2006

5 Jobs That Darryl Hair Should Not Apply For

We, here at The Match Referee, are good folk, always looking out for how we can be of assistance to the less fortunate in our community. Because Darryl Hair now resides in England and does not maintain a blog, he is not part of our community - technically. But, who am I to get technical about such trivial issues. The poor man has lost his job and I believe it is our duty to help him select a new means to earn a living. Its the least we could do for anyone who belonged to the cricket community.

I openly admit to knowing very little about the man. However, I have seen plenty of him on TV and believe I have observed enough qualities to allow me to help him.

Anybody that embarks on a job hunt must firstly know what type of job they want. I am not privy to Darryl's wish-list, so I made an executive decision to help him out by compiling a list of jobs that would be unbecoming of his stature and unsuited to his personality:
  1. Systems Accountant - High Profile Role: I know for a fact that Darryl shuns the spotlight, so this job is out straightaway. Additionally, the job requires a "keen eye for detail" and the ball tampering incident has proven that Darryl's eyes just are not what they used to be. Coke will just have to look elsewhere.
  2. Account Executive - Public Relations: the company seeks someone with a "can-do" attitude. Darryl possess this in abundance, as he has shown us in calling Mutiah Muralitharan many times for chucking. However, after the public relations disaster of demanding a golden handshake from his employers, I do not believe Darryl is an ideal fit for this role.
  3. Restaurant Manager: I considered this job for Darryl because from his ample frame, I have developed the view that he likes food. Unfortunately, the advertiser seeks a person able to handle complaints in a "diplomatic" manner. Hence, this job is struck off the list because Darryl would be struggling when if he has to provide an example of a time when he has handled a dispute in a diplomatic manner. Sorry, no restaurant for you mate.
  4. Victoria Police: this appealed to us immediately, anybody would think that Darryl has all the qualities to become a good cop. Then we realised that the Victorian police requires their officers to display "integrity" and "respect". After the Darryl's last Test match, I reasoned that his "integrity" was shot and he couldn't really say that he displayed much respect for the Pakistani team.
  5. Pakistan Government: I thought the position of "Communication Officer" in the "Women Development Division" would be ideal for Darryl since it requires someone who can "organise media coverage" for a project - an activity that Darryl is highly proficient in. However, setting foot anywhere near Pakistan at present could be a life-threatening scenario for Darryl, so this job definitely does not make the cut.

Darryl Hair is a talented man. He will most likely be able to find a new career, all on his own. I merely hoped to assist him in a small way, during what would be deeply troubled times for the former international umpire. After all, what is the point of friends if they can't help you out in a time of need, no?

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