Dear Diary

In the second instalment of our Dear Diary series we afford ourselves an exclusive sneak peak into the life of a player who has seemingly been in the news for reasons more bad than good in recent times. You do the math:

May 10
Big game tomorrow. Through some miracle we actually still have a chance of making it to the semis. To be honest though, with me out of form, and the Aussies letting the world know that we still can't play bounce, I don't see the point. Had the usual pre-game team meeting. Usual shit was said. Thankfully that clown Jadeja has finally been kicked off the team. What do people see in him? Such a waste of space. Even then, we've got one bloke who can't hit the ball unless it bounces with 1 metre of where he's standing. I'm out of form. Gauti's out of form. Vijay (or is it Murali, I still don't know?) eats too much idli sambar to be any good and there's a shortage of milk in St Lucia, so Dhoni will probably flop. Everyone knows what's going to happen. Let's just enjoy the beach, down some liquids and check out the scenery - and I don't mean of the floral variety. We're all going to cop it when we get back anyway, lets just live a little while we still have the chance.

May 11 (Pre-match)
Doing my usual prep for the game. I got kitted up in my hotel room to do some visualisation, but then I was really uncomfortable. The numpties must've turned the heat up too high in the hotel dryer coz my India shirt didn't fit properly. Way too tight. I know I've put on a few kilos over the past couple of years (after all I am a senior player now), but I'm still no Ramesh Powar. I mean look at Kapil paaji, he hardly had a beach body and he was one of the greatest ever. People really should mind their own business. Either way, I'll still pick up more models than any crap blogger who thinks I'm too fat.

May 11 (Post-match)
Shit hit the fan. 7 of us got called in for private meetings with the coach. Even this idiot thinks I'm too fat. He reckons he's fitter than me. WTF!! Just coz I drink a little, party a little, doesn't mean I lose my natural talent. It's not rugby where we all need to look like Teri Maa Ki. What does the coach expect? Everyone knew I was out of form. They knew picking me was a gamble. Hell, me out of form is still better than that Jadeja in form. I think coach was just frustrated. Mid-life crisis maybe. Whateva. Last night before heading back, gonna make it a big one!

May 12
Last night was a waste. It started off pretty well, we were all giving Nehra crap about how he looks like a horse and Jadeja was about to cry because we made it obvious that he was the only player to have lost his country not 1, but 2 world cups, and then some idiots started having a go at us. They must've been call centre workers, bloody fools were putting on some weird American accent. You're Indian, just talk normally, no? Everything was fine until they were concentrating on Jadeja & Pathan, then one clown called me fat. And I lost it. Obviously I'd had a little to drink so the emotions were flowing. I would've punched that guy's lights out, but some bouncer saved him just in time.

Some Aussie players were sitting in another corner, but they saw what happened. Nothing would have come out, coz no punches were thrown, just some swearing, word is that the same idiot who got Teri Maa Ki kicked out of the team blabbed all about it to the media. We really are gonna cop it now!

May 16
Coming through customs today, some bloody customs officer thought I had something hidden under my shirt. I was like WTF!! I said it was only my frickin stomach. He had the gall to tell me it looked too big to be a stomach. He even lifted my shirt to have a look! What's with these people?!?!?

May 18
Apparently I've received a show cause notice. What notice? From whom? The bloody BCCI tells the media it's going to do something and then actually does it a week later. And what are we going to tell the BCCI anyway? That Nehra needs braces and Jadeja is a waste of space and should be offered to Pakistan as Sania's dowry? Dad says not to worry coz I'm the Sher of Punjab and this is only minor. It's not like they're gonna sack me from the team! Hell Lalit's got them in so much trouble they won't even bother with us. Anyway, Priety's in town with some friends. Gonna be lots of drinking tonight. I love alcohol, its legal, gets you happy and doesn't make you fat.