Dear Diary

In the second instalment of our Dear Diary series we afford ourselves an exclusive sneak peak into the life of a player who has seemingly been in the news for reasons more bad than good in recent times. You do the math:

May 10
Big game tomorrow. Through some miracle we actually still have a chance of making it to the semis. To be honest though, with me out of form, and the Aussies letting the world know that we still can't play bounce, I don't see the point. Had the usual pre-game team meeting. Usual shit was said. Thankfully that clown Jadeja has finally been kicked off the team. What do people see in him? Such a waste of space. Even then, we've got one bloke who can't hit the ball unless it bounces with 1 metre of where he's standing. I'm out of form. Gauti's out of form. Vijay (or is it Murali, I still don't know?) eats too much idli sambar to be any good and there's a shortage of milk in St Lucia, so Dhoni will probably flop. Everyone knows what's going to happen. Let's just enjoy the beach, down some liquids and check out the scenery - and I don't mean of the floral variety. We're all going to cop it when we get back anyway, lets just live a little while we still have the chance.

May 11 (Pre-match)
Doing my usual prep for the game. I got kitted up in my hotel room to do some visualisation, but then I was really uncomfortable. The numpties must've turned the heat up too high in the hotel dryer coz my India shirt didn't fit properly. Way too tight. I know I've put on a few kilos over the past couple of years (after all I am a senior player now), but I'm still no Ramesh Powar. I mean look at Kapil paaji, he hardly had a beach body and he was one of the greatest ever. People really should mind their own business. Either way, I'll still pick up more models than any crap blogger who thinks I'm too fat.

May 11 (Post-match)
Shit hit the fan. 7 of us got called in for private meetings with the coach. Even this idiot thinks I'm too fat. He reckons he's fitter than me. WTF!! Just coz I drink a little, party a little, doesn't mean I lose my natural talent. It's not rugby where we all need to look like Teri Maa Ki. What does the coach expect? Everyone knew I was out of form. They knew picking me was a gamble. Hell, me out of form is still better than that Jadeja in form. I think coach was just frustrated. Mid-life crisis maybe. Whateva. Last night before heading back, gonna make it a big one!

May 12
Last night was a waste. It started off pretty well, we were all giving Nehra crap about how he looks like a horse and Jadeja was about to cry because we made it obvious that he was the only player to have lost his country not 1, but 2 world cups, and then some idiots started having a go at us. They must've been call centre workers, bloody fools were putting on some weird American accent. You're Indian, just talk normally, no? Everything was fine until they were concentrating on Jadeja & Pathan, then one clown called me fat. And I lost it. Obviously I'd had a little to drink so the emotions were flowing. I would've punched that guy's lights out, but some bouncer saved him just in time.

Some Aussie players were sitting in another corner, but they saw what happened. Nothing would have come out, coz no punches were thrown, just some swearing, word is that the same idiot who got Teri Maa Ki kicked out of the team blabbed all about it to the media. We really are gonna cop it now!

May 16
Coming through customs today, some bloody customs officer thought I had something hidden under my shirt. I was like WTF!! I said it was only my frickin stomach. He had the gall to tell me it looked too big to be a stomach. He even lifted my shirt to have a look! What's with these people?!?!?

May 18
Apparently I've received a show cause notice. What notice? From whom? The bloody BCCI tells the media it's going to do something and then actually does it a week later. And what are we going to tell the BCCI anyway? That Nehra needs braces and Jadeja is a waste of space and should be offered to Pakistan as Sania's dowry? Dad says not to worry coz I'm the Sher of Punjab and this is only minor. It's not like they're gonna sack me from the team! Hell Lalit's got them in so much trouble they won't even bother with us. Anyway, Priety's in town with some friends. Gonna be lots of drinking tonight. I love alcohol, its legal, gets you happy and doesn't make you fat. Add to that a little sports betting on Man United and I gotta tell say, life's bloody awesome!

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Seriously? No Way!

He is the preordained second-most-powerful-man-in-Australia. At the very least, one could reasonably expect him to be near the forefront of thought leadership of the patch he prowls. At a bare minimum, he should understand the tactics, temperament and tempo demanded by various formats of our great game. I thought all this to be reasonably reasonable, until I stumbled upon this gem. Michael Clarke believes an attacking approach may be required to succeed at T20 cricket. No frickkin way! You can't be serious! Surely not!

That I believe Cameron White to be the best man to assume the throne on Ricky Ponting's departure is no secret. Michael Clarke's upbringing in the scarecely-intellectual western suburbs of Sydney has not an iota of influence on my line thinking. Nor does his questionable former choice for life partnership. Hell I'm even willing to forgive and forget that he was allegedly instrumental in shunting into oblivion the single most talented all-round cricketer that Australia had (until then) produced in the last 2 decades. My preference for White over Clarke has everything to do with the fact that Mick just doesn't have it all together upstairs.

Clarke, IMHO, is all emotion and no intellect. He's perfect as a member of the leadership team to raise spirits when the chips are down (and somewhat irrelevant when matchfixing scum from the opposition are at work). He's great at slip, gully, cover and any other location the ball may travel on a cricket field. I'm sure he also has the nous to offer a nugget or two of great intelligence (of the informational, rathen than intellectual variety) to the captain of the day. But, more than anything, this latest gem proves that the bloke is a step or two behind where he ought to be.

However, as a Team India fan, it is with much glee that I realise that the wise men who staked their cricketing reputations on Clarke's leadership abilities will not revoke their decision. They have invested far too much in Mick for an admission of failure to even enter their minds. Here's to imagining what could have been of the Aussies had they been provided the leadership their talents deserve and demand.

RIP the records of the next generation of Australian cricketers unfortunate enough to suffer under the captaincy of Michael Clarke.

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Hooking & Pulling Should Be Left To The Experts

The old curse has returned (some may argue that it never actually went away, just that it was shovelled under the carpet for long enough to be "out of sight, out mind"). The rib-tickler may once again help in forcing India out of a global competition on foreign soil. However, the inability to play the short ball is only a symptom. The real malaise, should Team India fail to progress in the 2010 edition of the World T20, will be the batsmen's inability to think their way to success - yet again.

Any batsman who tells you they love facing the short ball at upwards of 145 km/h is lying. Facing Shaun Tait and Dirk Nannes in full flight on a remotely helpful deck is not nearly as easy as it looks on TV. Unlike Mitchell Johnson who is fast but predictable, Nannes and Tait possess an X-factor that makes them particularly difficult for a batsman to pick up and play when they're on song.

All this does not mean Australia's pace arsenal cannot be faced, quelled and even conquered. Brendan McCullum showed in the second match of the recent T20 series against the Aussies in Christchurch that the pace and bounce must be turned into the batsmen's advantage, for very few people can pull and hook like Ricky Ponting and Kevin Pietersen and in the middle of a pressure cooker international match is not the time to experiment and learn.



MS Dhoni's "fight fire with fire" attitude has achieved him much success and earned him many plaudits since 2007. However, getting caught with your pants down will only serve to take some of the sheen off his fast-building legacy. I wonder if Team India has seen the footage of McCullum's assault on the Aussies earlier this year? While McCullum's freakish scoops hogged the limelight in all post-match bulletins from that day, Team India must look beyond the glitz and realise that the Kiwis used the pace and the bounce to play plenty of up-and-unders that brought runs untold. If there's one shot that Indians play well, it is the ramp shot on the on-side between the 'keeper and point. You complete the maths.

Team India's re-found predicament calls for real fire fighting equipment: cool heads. If there's anyone with the ability to bring about this cool change, it is Captain Cool, Dhoni. Now, is the best time to start.

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Early Reports: 27 IPL Players Involved In Match Fixing

News is coming through in drips, but the early reports say that 27 cricketers and 1 administrator have been caught match fixing by the Government of India's income tax department investigators. NDTV is reporting that the allegations of match fixing relate to IPL², which was held in South Africa. Apparently, the cricketers allegedly involved in match fixing are of both Indian and non-Indian origins. Thankfully, one consolation for Indian fans in this sorry state of affairs is that the "Big Three of Indian cricket - Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and Rahul Dravid - are clean and above this muck."

The reporter staking out at tax department headquarters has reported that at least one big name Australian cricketer has been implicated in the match fixing allegations by this latest report. This cricketer has apparently fled India early than he was originally scheduled to leave after the conclusion of his IPL³ commitments. This bloke clearly had friends in high places who tipped him off!

While the details are still sketchy and the NDTV journalist on location at tax department headquarters is reporting rumour, past experience tells me that fire is ultimately witnessed when smoke is smelled pertaining to such matters. One small tweet from Lalit Modi has blown a giant lid on the slime that lays beneath the glitz, glamour and brash displays of wealth and power in and around the IPL circus.

If these allegations are eventually proven, the administration of cricket worldwide, but particularly in India, will require a fundamental paradigm shift. It has only been 10 years since the last match fixing scandal claimed international captains and their players. The wounds from that trauma had begun to heal, but the scabs have not yet fallen off. In this context, cricket will need to undertake some serious confidence building measures to regain the trust of diehard fans and cynical critics alike. To do so again, within 10 years of the previous episode, will be infinitely harder.

I beg the question, do cricket administrators have the ability and inclination to rise above their petty politics, egotistical ways and general greed to do all that is necessary to comprehensively rid the game of this despicable evil? On the basis of the evidence they have furnished over the previous few years, you would be forgiven for thinking not.

Allegations will continue to fly for quite some time. As a committed cricket fan and consumer of all things cricketing, I can only hope that this latest disaster will prove to be the line in the sand between a past in shimmering armour, and a future of bright, clean and golden sunrises.

Stay tuned to TMR's Twitter feed and homepage for more updates on this latest instalment of sleaze and greed in the greatest game on this planet.

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Finger Out, Socks Up

That bombs went off is a deplorable and unpardonable lapse on the part of the security men. That more bombs remained passive can only be attributed to the grace of God. These events are yet another example of how public security and the sanctity of life are nothing more than platitudes for the privileged few, entrusted with maintaining law and order in India. Given all the brouhaha about security prior to the commencement of IPL³ and the international implications of the upcoming Commonwealth Games, such comments from the likes of Lalit Modi will rightfully make visitors think long and hard about travelling to India.

The ever-growing non-issue spat between Shashi Tharoor and Lalit Modi has provided cover for people with important titles to make daft, irresponsible and reprehensible comments on the bungled Bangalore security operation. Such disgusting attitudes showcase the "what's in a couple of deaths here and there" attitude that clearly permeates throughout India's top political and law enforcement ranks. The disturbing aspect of all this is that people like this will also be responsible for Commonwealth Games' security. God save the Queen's Games!

While Modi's decision to shift the semi-finals out of Bangalore deserves commendation, this episode must not be explained away through denial, ignorance and the unprofessionalism of a distracted media. I hope and pray that police chiefs, particularly in Delhi, are cognisant of the ineffectiveness and inefficiency that ails their forces. Only after accepting that one bomb is one too many will security chiefs be able to implement appropriate measures to overcome these failings.

There exists a real fear that some within the establishment will view this IPL example as an instance of great Indian administration, courage and powers of persuasion. I can only imagine that Anil Kumble and Sachin Tendulkar's assurances that all was well convinced the other players, particularly those of the international star variety, that the stadium was safe. Had the match involved teams with international captains (Rajasthan Royals' Shane Warne and Deccan Chargers' Adam Gilchrist, for instance), I doubt whether we would have seen a match - unless of course, Modi took it upon himself to bully and threaten the players to play.

I can assure anyone who subscribes to the above theory that delusions of such administrative 'greatness' will yield nothing but ridicule during the Commonwealth Games. The slightest hint of a bomb within kooee of a sports arena or the athletes' village could be the rightful catalyst for an immediate and massive exodus of foreigners from Delhi. While such actions may result in more Indian Games' medals, they will also ensure that the world's tacit acceptance of India as safe and reliable destination for business, leisure and sporting exchanges will lie in tatters.

In this eventuality, what difference will there remain between us and Pakistan?

There is still time to remedy the twin ills of complacency and ineptitude when it comes to delivering a safe and successful Commonwealth Games. Do the administrators and political leaders have what it takes to make the right calls, not just those that easy and personally beneficial? I have my doubts, but I'll happier than most to be proven very, very wrong.

The time has come, India, to pull up and out the proverbial socks and fingers.

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