Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Kolkata Knight Riders Fake IPL Player Snitch

They are part-owned by one of the most celebrated and wealthiest stars in the history or Indian cinema (who, mind, waits for the TV cameras to zoom in on him before blowing air kisses to nobody in particular - seriously, I like SRK, but that's just really sad). They have undoubtedly the best PR machinery of all the teams in the competition. However, they are proving absolutely incompetent at nabbing the mole who is intent on sharing KKR's game plans with anyone who may care to read.

Fake IPL Player has caused a storm and a half in the last few days. Joy Bhattacharya, Knight Riders' CEO, believes this miscreant genius to be a "poison pen of the dirtiest variety" (even dirtier than John Buchanan sacking Ganguly as skipper, I wonder?) and the blogger personally reveals that a witch hunt to find the offender is working off a short list that does not include his name - which seems to me to be a clever attempt at reverse psychology.

This guy must have been wronged in a big way, else he's living out every rebel's dream. KKR management has banned the use of laptops (like that's going to help) and internet use in hotel rooms, but our Fake IPL Player still has his trusty mobile with which he transmits his posts to his brother in India, who posts them online for our entertainment. Given Nokia are KKR's title sponsors, will mobiles be banned now too?

The increasing number of posts have thrown up a number of not-so-affectionate names for various celebrities purporting to be cricketers during IPL2. Among them:

Lord Almighty - The mighty Sourav Ganguly
Skipper - Brendan McCullum
Calypso King - Chris Gayle
Sheikh of Tweak - Shane Warne
Coachie - None other than Johnny Buchanan (who, incidentally, Fake believes is dumber than a fifth grader. No surprise there, Warnie's been telling us for years)
Appam Chutiya (my personal favourite for some reason) - Sreesanth
Meera Bhai - Harbhajan Singh
Babli - Preity Zinta
Kaan Moolo - Ajit Agarkar
Bangla Tiger - Moshrafe Mortaza
Prince of Patiala - Yuvraj Singh?

If you come across any other characters, let us know. IMHO, unless Google has a hand in this investigative process, it might be almost impossible for KKR management to uncover this hero.

Have a read, if nothing else, it is the most fascinating and entertaining insight into the workings of a professional cricket team. Who needs Cricinfo match previews when we have this dude - Sambit Bal, eat your heart out!

PS. I have word that Fake may in fact be none other than Dada!

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